that's enough, internet

Okay. Chat Roulette.

WHAT THE FUCK, EVERYONE? How is this a thing? I feel like this one website encompasses everything I've been told not to do - specifically not talk to strangers and not to troll the internet on a web cam. EVER. I mean, don't get me wrong - I'm curious. It seems like an absolute shit show, but what is the point? What kind of life are you living if you are looking to this website for, I don't know, anything? Also, I'm fairly certain I'd be safer playing any kind of roulette, including russian. Because even if it IS a bullet, I still know there is no chance of the outcome being my watching a guy jerking off on his webcam. And I'd have a kick as "How did Carrie die?" story.

Just a sidenote, how did I first hear about this? The JERSEY SHORE cast. I now officially feel comfortable blaming all of society's woes on them. Does that mean I won't watch the second season? Of course not. Just like this post has no bearing on whether I actually do check out chat roulette in the future.

And with that, I will leave you with this: catroulette.tumbr. com

The First of MANY Posts of this Kind.

So, not a secret, my parents are ridiculous people. Amazing and I love them and could never ask for anything more, but just... absolutely ridiculous. The best stories I have generally involve e-mails or texts from my mom or pretty much anything my dad does. Ever. IE The Christmas Card Incident, in which we decided to go "casual" and he trots downstairs in a 3 piece suit. When my mom called him out, it was "WHAT? I LOOK NICE."

So yesterday I came back from a LONG weekend in Virginia to see my mom who just had surgery and is already back to being a total bad ass. I go to my room to change into sweats (aka my happy place) and see a t-shirt on the bed that I don't recognize. On further inspection, it's a vintage NY Yankees shirt, size medium. I was actually thrilled my dad picked out the right size t-shirt (UNLIKE THE JAYSON WERTH MEN'S JERSEY INCIDENT OF LAST CHRISTMAS) but was really confused as to why in hell he would get me a yankees shirt. I just figured someone gave it to him for free and he was going to give it to me.

So we're eating dinner (and by "dinner" I mean "frozen stuff that's been in our fridge for over a year" which resulted in my eating extremely questionable pizza) and I decided to ask my dad why/where he got me that shirt -

Me: Did you get me a yankees shirt?

Dad: Oh yeah, I did. Wait...what?

Me: There was a vintage looking yankees t-shirt on my bed, I figured you got it for free

Dad: OHHHHH that's mine.

Me: What?

Dad: Yeah that's my shirt, I don't know why it was in your room

Mom: I washed it and thought it was Carrie's

Dad: Why would you do that?

Me: It's a girls shirt, Dad

Dad: No, it's not

Mom: Bill...yes it is

Dad: NO IT ISN'T. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW MY OWN SHIRTS?

Needless to say, my dad has been wearing a ladies medium t-shirt for the past several months. Comfortably.

(and for those of you who need a visual)

I will be showing him the gender of this model the next time I see him.

Happy Carrietines Day

I could sit here and pretend to be bitter or whatever but really, I don't get that. I like Valentine's Day. It makes people happy and someone usually gives me some form of candy. What's not to like? Although I did see a couple stroking each other while eating at Jones today and that just seemed unnecessary. But really, I like red, I like chocolate, and if people get flowers at the office, it gives me something nice to look at. So...why be bitter if you're not celebrating? We could all use a little more love in this world and I'll take any excuse for it. And for the exchange of chocolate.

guys, did you know it snowed?

If I never hear another snow related pun for the rest of my life, IT WILL BE TOO SOON. And now, without further ado - what I did with my snow days.

Tuesday Night

8 PM

Find out I have no work. Crack open a Sierra Nevada.

9 PM

Parents get in from Antigua 4 hours earlier than they told me they would. No one is surprised, and Dad is thrilled to see me drinking a giant beer with only the company of the dog.

10 PM

Am an old woman and am exhausted but feel I should stay up. Remedy? The Pregnancy Pact on Lifetime On Demand

10:05 PM

Decide the main character ginger girl is not NEARLY hot enough for her boyfriend and that Thora Birch has not aged a day since American Beauty

11 PM

Admit to myself that this is a good movie

11:01 PM

Fall asleep. To The Pregnancy Pact. Bathe in my own shame

3 AM

The dog decides to wake me up. By almost throwing up on my bed. This is off to a good start.

WEDNESDAY

11:45 AM

Drag myself out of bed. Make a mental promise to myself to not change out of sweatpants

11:47 AM

Wonder if it's too early for wine.

12 PM

Eat mac and cheese. And chinese food. As lunch.

12:10 PM

Really want some wine to go with said lunch

12:45 PM

Inform my mother that no, I will not be watching Love Happens with her

12:46 PM

Agree to watch The Good Wife instead. Fail.

1:45 PM

Figure out that 1/2 a season of Sex and The City is on demand. Commence marathon.

3 PM

Mom makes quesadillas. OPENS A BOTTLE OF WINE. Victory.

4:30 PM

Continue lifecoaching mom over wine

5 PM

Dad commandeers tv. To watch an episode of Smallville. Continues to be 57 years old.

5:05 PM

Make myself a cocktail, which causes Dad to say "You've been drinking an awful lot." It is my second drink in two hours. Add extra whiskey out of spite

6 PM

Totally drunk. Gchatting unabashedly. Still in sweatpants, and ghostbusters is on. WIN.

8:30 PM

More chinese food, watch What's Love Got To Do With It (The Ike and Tina Turner Story) with Mom. It is her favorite movie. I've made fun of that fact for YEARS but now that I've actually seen it...It is AWESOME.

10:30 PM

Retire to bed, as I have to work a half day on Thursday.

THURSDAY

9:30 AM

Wake up and get ready to go to the gym. Find out gym is closed, watch Regis and Kelly with Mom. Lowpoint of the day got here quicker than expected. Regis is way creepier than I remember him being.

10 AM

Log in and do some work, make mental note to dig out the car soon. It should only take 15 or 20 minutes

11:45 AM

Actually get around to digging out the car.

11:46 AM

Walk outside to find the car has been plowed in on all sides by the asshole plowmen who obviously have some sort of vendetta against me. Curse their names.

12 PM

Dig out most of it. Inner monologue is saying "You have four wheel drive. You can do this. Just back up, hit the gas, and get over it. YOU CAN DO THIS CARRIE."

12:00.01 PM

Get stuck

12:10 PM

Think you've got it this time. You dug and dug and moved the snow. Just reverse it and you're home free.

12:11 PM

Fall getting into the car. Surely this will be the last issue

12:12 PM

Still stuck. Decide to dig really hard under the car.

12:13 PM

Break the shovel in a fit of rage. Seriously. Totally broke it.

12:15 PM

After standing and staring at the car and thoroughly terrifying a neighbor child, throw the shovel at the car. Enlist mom's help

12:45 PM

Mom is some sort of shoveling angel. Still stuck, but starting to move a little bit. My uggs are now soaked through and I've fallen no less than 5 times.

1 PM

CAR IS FINALLY FREE. REJOICE. Aka get back to work for the remainder of the day.

So there you have it. The Pregnancy Pact, blackout rages, and booze. Feels like winter to me.

Well, this one will be all over the place.

So we're starting what's freshest in my mind and seeing where this takes me. Stay with me, will you? Excellent.

TOPIC ONE: THE SUPERBOWL.

The game was good, although admittedly, I felt like shit all day and turned it off in the third to watch Big Love. I have no vested interest in the Saints or Colts and wasn't feeling it. True Story. My main observations were that The Who sucked and that Drew Brees is MUCH better looking than I had ever noticed before. As far as the commercials go, I was WILDLY unimpressed. No more so than with the bullshit Tim Tebow ad. I've been hearing about this ad for MONTHS before the game and it was incredibly anti-climatic. Not that I wanted some awful pro-life throw dead babies in your face type ad, but basically what we got was 3 million spent on 30 seconds proclaiming that Tim Tebow's mommy loves him. I did enjoy the general theme of pantslessness in a few other commercials, as I have been anti-pant for awhile. And I liked the baby cow and baby horse being friends. Don't act like you're surprised. Otherwise, I didn't think anything was particularly funny or awesome or outstanding.

TOPIC TWO: The snowopocalypse or snowmaggedon or snOMG.

Over it. We get it. It snowed a lot. It doesn't need a nickname.

TOPIC THREE: The commerical I'm watching right now

It's for Subaru and the dogs parallel park and it's SO CUTE.

Okay, I really didn't have much to say. I'm also very tired and still trying to keep my liver from escaping my body. More updates from when I'm stuck inside the house for SNOWMAGGEDON 2: ELECTRIC SNOWALOO.

these are a few of my favorite things...

Anyone who knows me (which, at this point, should be all of you) knows that I have very definitive and ridiculous opinions on inane things. I VERY MUCH KNOW what I like and dislike and I have a favorite of everything. Really, everything. Melissa tested me on this at one point, and I do, in fact, have a favorite gas station. For those who are wondering, it's the BP on 202 that has the baskin robbins in it. So clean.

ANYWAY, I thought I'd share with you guys a few of my most favorite things. Like Oprah does, except I'm not giving you shit.

SONGS

-Moth's Wings by Passion Pit

-Dress Me Like A Clown by Margot and The Nuclear So and So's

-Can You Tell by Ra Ra Riot

-My Boy Builds Coffins by Florence + The Machine

TV SHOWS

-Mad Men. I know, I know, everyone watches/has heard of it/ whatever. But really. Just watch it. It's a slow burn all season and that's not for everyone but it is such a satisfying and unpredictable show to watch. If you like anything that's well done, well acted, well written, aesthetically pleasing, or all of the above - it's worth your time.

-Big Love. For whatever reason, it's like the only show I have issues following and sometimes I think they throw a little too much at you. But, it's four seasons in and it still has maintained a lot of integrity in keeping its protagonist inherently unlikable. It's so uncomfortable and interesting to watch.

-Better Off Ted. Getting cancelled. Way underrated. Ridiculous. In an Andy Richter Controls The Universe + Arrested D kind of way. AKA THE BEST WAY.

-How I Met Your Mother. The only show with a laugh track that I absolutely love. My crush on Jason Segel notwithstanding, it is a fantastic show.

-Friday Night Lights. Reasons to watch include Taylor Kitsch, Kyle Chandler, and engaging writing. They also had two characters kill a guy and the show didn't jump the shark. That's talent.

-Nurse Jackie. "Quiet and Mean. Those are my people."

MOVIES

Inglorious Basterds

Adventureland

500 Days of Summer

Pan's Labyrinth

(Okay, I know none of these are new. The last movie I saw that was new as Avatar and while I liked it visually, the plot was Pocahontas + Fern Gully. NO DICE)

BLOGS

gofugyourself.com

gawker.com

thisiswhyyourefat.com

slaughterhouse90210.tumblr.com

wwtdd.com

lamebook.com

warmingglow.uproxx.com

filmdrunk.uproxx.com

FOOD

all of it.

HAPPY TIME WASTING.

facebook memes, gtfo.

OKAY. My first real post will clearly be a rant.

Let's talk facebook memes.

Before I get into anything, I will start by acknowledging that facebook is fucking ridiculous from top to bottom. It makes everyone roughly 100x more annoying and punchable. It is systematically destroying all real relationships and making it entirely possible to know exactly what your third grade teacher's daughter is up to nowadays. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IS IMPORTANT. But let's be serious - I love it, you love it, we all love it. You know, until it becomes sentient and kills us all.

Since it's inception, it's only become more and more irritating. Twitter helped, making facebook feel the need to jack their entire concept and give us the ever present status update - complete with its very own feed! So now I can see what you ate for breakfast and where you're going and what you're doing and THAT LOST IS PREMIERING TONIGHT ZOMG. Although, admittedly, I do get a vast percentage of my world news from facebook status updates. True story. Where was I going with this again? AH right. Memes.

So, the newest annoying little incarnation is changing your picture or status or picture and status or whatever for a week. There was throwback week, where people put up childhood pictures of themselves, which barely caught on. Then there was the breast cancer awareness bra color thing, which admittedly, I did participate in. Because I was wearing a cute bra that day. But now, we are on to the two most ridiculous of all: doppelganger week and this urban dictionary shit.

The urban dictionary meme is essentially putting your first name in urban dictionary, seeing the results, and putting them on your status. EVERYONE IS DOING THIS and they all say the same thing more or less. Something along the lines of:

1.	Carrie
	buy carrie mugs, tshirts and magnets hottest girl ever. always hard to get. sassy and classy at the same time. stunning eyes that draws you in. gorgeous and sexy. usually looks for independence and always good at everything. a dime piece, the realest bitch. never betrays her friends and always keeps her word.

This serves one purpose and one purpose alone: to validate yourself to your facebook friends using the trusted and indisputable internet source, URBAN DICTIONARY. You know, the website that is primarily used for people desperate to find the true definition for the word "taint". Never underestimate the amount of people desperate to be called dime pieces by websites written by high school kids.

However, the meme that inspired this all is, of course, DOPPELGANGER WEEK. Before I even get into the ridiculousness of some of these pictures, I'd like to let everyone know how alarmed I am that no one fucking knows what doppelganger means. Did anyone go to high school but me? Seriously. It's not a hard word. Jerome Shostak is rolling over in his grave.

Moving along, the idea of doppelganger week is to put up a facebook picture of your "celebrity twin." In all fairness, I've seen a few good ones. Maybe 10% of them are legit. The other 90%? No. Just...no. I want to personally message most of my friends and ask them WHO told them they looked like Drew Barrymore, because last time I checked, she didn't have a lazy eye. Moral of the story: Just because some drunk guy trying to take you home uses the line "YOU LOOK JUST LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS" doesn't mean you do. Brown hair and brown eyes do not an Anne Hathaway make. In the words of Eric, it's doppelganger week - not delusional week.

xoxo

happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

Aaaand yet again I will try to blog. This is like the 6th attempt I've had at this and maybe this time it will stick! Frankly, I find my life very uninteresting and the interesting parts are pretty shocking, even for the internet. So, webz, here is how this will go: I will randomly post actual events, tales, etc. Mostly I will post song lyrics I don't want to forget. Eventually I will grow tired, never update it, and delete it. But for now, HELLO. Maybe I will regale you with stories soon.

xoxo