Maybe it's just more noticeable because everything is written to be instantly consumed now- tell me the last time you went a day without reading something in list form - but I feel like every day I'm being beaten over the head by some listicle telling me that I'm doing everything wrong.
And you know what? I'm not. And you're not. Well, probably. Actually, you might be. We can talk later if you want.
Two in particular stand out - this one about how my life is garbage because I'm 30 and don't own a power drill. I find this one less offensive because I feel like it's trying to be positive, even if it's wholly unrealistic. Spoiler alert: at 25, here's what I had: a life that I was figuring out. You can actually read what I wrote when I was 25 on this very blog, and it is terrible! And ridiculous! And I don't even recognize that person! But that's okay, because I was 25 and no one knows what they're doing at 25!
The second article is basically a straight condemnation of having any fun in your late 20's, and let me tell you, your late 20's are the best time to have fun. You hit a point where you feel like you can do what you want, when you want, and you start to give zero fucks. It. is. the. best.
Instead of just linking to it, I thought it might be fun to break it down item by item. And oh, was it ever.
So, for your reading pleasure (or mine, whatever), here are my thoughts on the 27 things you must say goodbye to by age 27
The day after my 27th birthday, I came to realize my life had changed immensely. Now officially in my “late 20s” and realizing everyone around me is a wife, a mom, or pretty damn close to it, I’ve had to say goodbye to a few things. Listen closely, and try not to be too depressed about it. Okay, let's start here. why do you have to change your life because other people are getting married or having babies? Good for them! Support them! But that doesn't mean you have to stop doing things that make you happy.
1. Everything bagels bathed in full fat cream cheese. It will immediately make your face fat. As a wise woman once said, eating a bagel is exactly like eating 7 pieces of bread…and I’m pretty sure that’s true. This probably isn't terrible advice, but bagels are awesome, and it absolutely will not make your face fat immediately. Did a bagel hurt you? I'm sorry a bagel hurt you.
2. Sure you can have a birthday but it’s only a day now. Not a week. Or a month. Ain’t nobody got time for your birth week. Psh, I just turned 30, and I celebrated that shit for a solid week. Next.
3. Taking vacations “just because.” Kiss adventurous traveling goodbye at 27. The next few years are chock full of weddings and every dime you make will go towards plane tickets, wedding gifts, and clothes for said weddings. But they’re really fun. I promise. What in the actual fuck. YOU ARE 27 YEARS OLD. NOW IS ABSOLUTELY THE TIME FOR ADVENTUROUS TRAVELING. Yes, there will be weddings and wedding gifts. But there's also rent the runway and saying no to your third cousin's destination wedding in Fiji because you can't afford it. These things are fine. Go see the world as much as you can when you're given the chance.
4. Ignoring babies. Inevitably, the babies that come from these marriages also start screwing up your plans and your bank account. But you’re a bad friend if you ignore their births, baptisms, birthday parties, etc. Plus, they’re kinda cute, right? What kind of monster ignores babies? I am not a baby person but I'm not like oh hey what baby? Moral of the story, you probably shouldn't ignore babies before age 27 either.
5. Dancing at the bar until the lights come on and expecting to not be in bed until 3 PM the next day recovering. This is absolutely true, but who cares? Do it anyway.
6. Shopping at Forever21. 21 isn’t forever…you’re 6 years past that. Go to Ann Taylor and get over it.
7. H&M is done too, actually. Sorry.
8. Oh and Urban Outfitters. Shop wherever you want to shop and wear what makes you feel comfortable.
9. Hair accessories. They’re for newborn babies.
10. Rainbow sandals. You’ve been wearing them since you were 15. It’s time to let them go. I'm wearing both of these things right now. If loving headbands and comfortable shoes is wrong, I don't want to be right.
11. Law school. I know you’re still thinking about it. It’s too late. This is just bullshit. Change your life when and how you want to. Maybe you'll have to work harder, network more, and push yourself to get there, but if you want it, go for it.
12. White dresses. Again, your life revolves around other people’s weddings so these are the only events you will attend. And somewhere in the last 5 years, a rule came about that the bride wears white to not only her wedding, but every shower, Bachelorette party, and engagement party; and if a guest dares to wear white too…they will be shunned. I've worn an ivory dress to two weddings and I'm wearing it to another one this weekend. No one has shunned me, ever. No one has given a shit whatsoever. Also, if you want to wear white to any of these events if and when I get married, go for it. I won't bat an eye. Because at 27 or above...most people stop giving a shit.
13. Midnight movie showings. It’s not cute to be “totally with the tweens” anymore. Plus, you actually have to be on time for work tomorrow. I've never really ever wanted to do this, but if you want to, go for it.
14. Speaking of work, you must be VERY serious about your career. No more “but I’m fresh out of college! I’m exploring my options!” You’re 5+ years out. Stop gchatting and figure it out. I'm writing this while at work. Yolo.
15. Not having a hobby. I don’t care what it is – running, guitar, cooking, hiking – just get one so at adult parties when old adult people ask you what you do for fun, you don’t go “Uhhh…” (while your inner voice says: “All I do is day drink.”). It's important to note that the first two things the author this talks about in her bio are day drinking and night drinking. Next.
16. Old ratty bathing suits. Take that off. You look poor. And you sound like a monster.
17. Boy bands. Everyone can see your Spotify “recently played” and you look like a pedophile. You're goddamn right they can, and I have recently played The Thong Song. Also, I must have missed the episode of SVU where Benson and Stabler finally caught the pedophile by tracking the number of *NSYNC songs played on his Spotify. Sounds like a good one.
18. Being a flake. No more backing out of plans. Be dependable. You’re almost 30 for crying out loud! This also probably applies to people before the age of 27, but even still, shit comes up sometimes. I think it's more important to have friends who will let it slide if you have to bail every once in awhile.
19. Fighting with your Mother. Haven’t you learned by now? She really is always right. My mom is the absolute best and 100% my role model, but she's also a person. Listening to advice is important, but so is accepting the fact that your parents are flawed and human.
20. Watching MTV I'm in a group text with people older than me that is mostly dedicated to talking about what happened last week on The Challenge. If CT can still play, I can still watch.
21. Holding grudges against your exes. It’s bad for your skin. Can we stop blaming fat faces on bagels and bad skin on grudges? I'm getting the feeling that this girl isn't actually a doctor.
22. Not showering every day. You’re a grown woman and you can no longer get away with this. If you’re one of those mysterious girls who can go 7 days without washing her hair and look flawless, go for it. But wash that bod. Every day. Also, advice that probably applies to those under the age of 27. But if you won't tell, I won't tell.
23. Themed Parties. Time to retire that toga! I just pictured this girl shedding a single tear and sending her toga off to a noble viking death at sea.
24. Not watching the news. You need to know at least the bare minimum of what’s going on in the world whether it’s the latest political scandal, the healthcare bill, or where we are on finding that damn plane. Oh, and start thinking about where you might stand on these issues. If cable news was less of a joke, I might agree with this.
25. Approaching a guy to flirt and/or wingman for your best friend before taking a glance at his left hand. Trust me on this one. OH YOU'RE MARRIED? I'M SORRY WE CAN'T TALK TO YOU. Maybe he has cool friends. Maybe he knows people you know. Make friends, talk to people, and if you see a ring, respect it.
26. Facebook albums. Your once daily Instagrams are more than enough. I don't really do anything on facebook, but if you put up cool vacation pictures, I'll totally look at them.
27. Not working out. I know it sucks, but just do it. Every single day. Like the bagel advice, this is probably sound. But working out DOES suck, and you'll do it more if it doesn't feel like a chore, and you feel like you can do it on your terms. So do that. Or don't. Live your life.
